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Archive for April, 2010

I’m very talented at ignoring the obvious signs of my eating issues. I still think I am incredibly fat even though there are so many signs telling me otherwise.

All of my jeans are too big. All of my khaki pants are too big. My black dress pants (the ones I take great care to purchase a perfect fit in because I wear them so often) are literally falling off my body. My belt is on the tightest notch and could still go further. My small sofie shorts are huge, my extra-small sofie shorts (that I bought my freshman and sophomore year in high school) are loose.

I weigh what I weighed my sophomore year in high school. There is more definition in my bones than ever before.  Multiple people have told me in the past month that I look skinny, I need to eat, I look unhealthy, or another comment about my weight. It is painful to lie in the bathtub because of my bones on the porcelain. It is painful to lie on my side in bed. I can’t sleep. I sleep too much. I can’t pay attention…to anything. I shake. I drink too much caffeine. I get headaches from standing up too quickly. I get headaches for no reason at all.

When I add up my total calories for the day it’s always less than 800. I am exhausted just by walking up the one flight of stairs to get to the bedroom/bathroom in my apartment. Running as little as a mile makes me literally exhausted to the point where I can’t stand (but of course 1 mile isn’t any different than 2 or 3, so I rarely stop at 1). I have frequent black-outs from standing up (from either a sitting or standing position)

But I ignore it all.

I don’t see the bones. I see the stomach pooch.

I don’t see the pants falling off; I see the stomach pooch.

I don’t feel the pain in the bathtub. I see my stomach.

I go to buy clothes and believe I need to buy a medium size. Intellectually knowing that I need to buy a small (but not actually believing it) I purchase a small. I get home and realize that the small is too big and I should have gotten an extra-small.

I become overly obsessed with the Food Network, cookbooks, recipes. But I haven’t bought any groceries for 3 weeks (not even perishables).

Why? Why can’t I see the importance of stopping all this? It doesn’t feel good. It feels normal. But normal isn’t what I need, at least not when this is normal.

As I lose more weight I become less and less satisfied with my body and the “obvious” solution is to lose more. Isn’t weight loss supposed to make me feel better about myself and my body?

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As I wrote a couple posts ago I am using the ExamKrackers study books.  I am also using the home study schedule provided on the ExamKrackers website.

Tomorrow starts week 3, so here it is:

Sunday (0 hours)

  • Take a break—DO NOTHING MCAT related.

Monday (2 hours)

  • Pre-read Lecture 3 Biology; Lecture 3 Physics; Lecture 3 Verbal and Lecture 2 Chemistry.

Tuesday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 3 Verbal.
  • Take In-class Test for Lecture 3 Verbal. Review it.
  • Re-read all the passages from the 101 Verbal test you took on previous Saturday. Write the main idea for each passage using the suggested questions/format in Verbal Book Lecture 3.

Wednesday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 3 Biology with a highlighter and pen. Take notes.
  • Take In-class Test for Lecture 3 Biology. Review it.

Thursday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 3 Physics with a highlighter and pen. Take notes.
  • Take In-class Test for Lecture 3 Physics. Review it.

Friday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 2 Chemistry with a highlighter and pen. Take notes.
  • Take In-class Test for Lecture 2 Chemistry. Review it.

Saturday (3—4 hours)

  • Take a full length Test from 101 Passages in MCAT Verbal Reasoning. (optional)
  • DO mini-MCATs corresponding to week 3 (from mini-MCAT book).

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This is something that I want to spend more time on. I am deeply interested in environmental causes and this short little post will not do it justice. But since Earth Day is this week I really want people to look at this now even though I am incredibly bogged down with the last few weeks of the semester (papers, exams, concerts, and all that good stuff).

The No Impact Project is holding a No Impact Experiment Week. I know it technically started today, but this is something that anyone could do it during any week and the ideas included are useful. I know they say that doing it in a whole week gives you support, but I find that because I don’t live in a huge metropolis area there really isn’t any obvious support, so it wouldn’t make any difference if I did it now or in 5 weeks.

I just encourage you all to think about how we treat the Earth and how that is related to how we treat animals, and our fellow humans.

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When I started this blog I wanted it to have forward movement, something that each post was built upon. Until now it really hasn’t, though to be honest neither has my life. I have been blowing in the wind, following the current, however you want to say it. But I don’t want that to be my life. I don’t just want to follow the current and cross my fingers hoping that my life goals just work out. I want to do everything in my power to help them happen. I realize now that even if I do all that it won’t always happen, but I still need to give it my best shot.

So I am going to use this blog to hold myself accountable in my quest for admission into medical school this time. I am retaking the MCATs and redoubling my efforts on applications. To work on improving my personal statement I am using the book Essays that will get you into Medical School. I’m planning to post some of their free-writing exercises and other ideas.

To study for the MCATs I am using ExamKrackers along with the 101 Passages in Verbal Reasoning and 16 Mini MCATs. I will also periodically be using practice exams from AAMC.

So here goes. A new effort on the medical school application. The old Lisa is back. You didn’t accept me this time? I will go away and come back so amazingly improved that there will be no doubt about my acceptance the next time.

Study Away!

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And again, I’m in love with Jamie Oliver. On his last episode (104) he coordinated a flash mob to advertise his learning kitchen.

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDEJR-6paB0

And I’ll continue to wax poetic about his adorable English accent and lisp (and on the latest episode the way he pronounces vitamins <3)

There *may* be a “flash mob society” at ISU…here are some videos of couple flash mobs there

Kaleidoquiz

Here be Pirates

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A while back I posted on my personification of Zefir. Since then I have been observing my interactions with him.

I do find myself innately rewarding behaviors I want, which includes behaviors that are ‘human-like’ and amuse me. The fact that I find myself doing this without thinking speaks to my growth as a trainer. Timing rewards, choosing rewards, timing removal of a gratifying object/action, is no longer a huge brain drain. Now that I’ve realized how far I’ve come with this I’m very excited at how much easier it will become to improve even more. Now all the brain matter that was focused on getting the reward x-units-close to the perfect moment can be focused on getting my rewards x-1-units close, then x-2-units close…etc.

But onto Zef. I think that all personification is not bad. When discussing animal behavior with others being able to describe a behavior in human terms can make communication faster and more clear. What we need to be aware of is that we don’t assume that using human terms to describe behavior automatically means that there is a human motives behind the behavior. Are dogs capable of human motives? Perhaps, but that is a different discussion which I shall save for later.

It all comes down to awareness and mindfulness. And not making assumptions beyond what is explicitly stated.

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