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Archive for May, 2010

“It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else’s eyes.”
Sally Field

That seems like such a positive statement, particularly for someone such as me who sees very little worth in myself when I look through my own eyes. But I’ve really been struggling lately with the thought that I am not worth very much to a lot of people in my life. Sure, if I were to ask any of these friends/relatives/other important people they would assure me that I have great value and they appreciate my life and would really miss me if I was gone. And I’m sure they probably would miss me if I was gone, but it seems like when I’m alive I’m not worth any of their time. This has been especially obvious to me this past semester with my senior recital and college graduation, two very big events in most people’s lives.

My senior recital was in February, but I have never really let myself be sad or angry about who did or didn’t come. For me this was truly the biggest event of my life. It’s the only solo recital I gave during my undergraduate career, my music is something that is a very important part of my life, and it’s (almost) the happiest I’ve been and (definitely) the best I’ve played in my entire life. And who came to celebrate it with me? My parents, my younger brother, my grandmother, and one of my mother’s friends were the only people who came from S—-. Everyone else who came lived in A—. There were a couple friends from A—, but a majority of the audience was music majors who were either required to come or needed concert credits. For my graduation only my parents, my younger brother, and one friend from A— came.

There were so many people who said they would come to my recital and didn’t. There were others who said they would come and watched it on webcast instead. I realize that they were still supporting me, but it makes me question if I’m not worth a 30 minute drive, what am I worth? I have tons of other family members through the state. Some aunts I’m very close to, one less than an hour away and the other just a couple hours. My recital date was chosen 10 months in advance and was told to all my extended family multiple times. I typically explain it off by telling myself that they are busy with their own families and jobs, but then I see these same people go to another relative’s graduation or sports tournament and I don’t understand it. Why is my cousin worth many relatives driving several hours and spending a weekend in A— when I am not worth a single one coming? Why would all of my friends go to another friend’s graduation but none come to mine? How could that not make me feel worthless? Even my own parents couldn’t spend more than a couple hours at my recital or graduation.

And those aren’t the only events. I am living with my parents for a few weeks while I am waiting for possession of my place in a different town. Yesterday we went to two different relatives’ graduation parties and spent 4-5 hours total at them. Two weekends ago my dad drove up to move me out of my apartment and complained about every minute of the 6 hours it took to drive there, load my stuff, and drive home. It’s no problem to spend all this time at graduations of 2nd and 3rd cousins, but driving to get his own daughter is too much of a hassle. All I ever hear from my dad is how much of an inconvenience I am. He had to move me out of my apartment in A— and in 3 weeks he’s moving me to my place in I—, in the meantime I’m living in his house, making his water bill higher, not cleaning every square inch of it, and not cooking every single meal. Every day he comes in and yells about how messy the kitchen is and how I am just wasting every minute of my day. I can’t remember a single time when he has ever told me he was proud of me. Not when I received my scholarship to college. Not at my senior recital. Never about school. And since my college graduation he has mentioned at least once a day how easy it must be to get a college diploma.

I struggle to admit that I am human and have needs, but right now there are some really big needs I have. I want someone to attend my important milestones. I want someone to just give me time to talk and try to understand. I want someone to tell me how proud they are of me. I want someone to understand how much I am really struggling with this eating disorder and not chastise me for not ‘trying’ hard enough or accuse me of wanting to stay sick. I want someone to tell me to cut out the positive crap and be honest about my feelings. When I am having such a hard time finding worth in myself I need those trusted voices telling me and showing me that I do have worth, not just for my mental sake, but to help me save my life.

I’m tired of people just telling me I mean something to them and that they care about me. I want someone to actually show it.

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But this one is on time 🙂

My life has been in flux the last couple weeks, but hopefully I can get back into some regular posting for the next two weeks before I move yet again…

Sunday (0 hours)

  • Take a break—DO NOTHING MCAT related.

Monday (2 hours)

  • Pre-read Lecture 5 Biology; Lecture 5 Physics; Lecture 2 Organic and Lecture 4 Chemistry.

Tuesday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 2 Organic.
  • Take In-class Test for Lecture 2 Organic. Review it.

Wednesday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 5 Biology with a highlighter and pen. Take notes.
  • Take In-class Test for Lecture 5 Biology. Review it.

Thursday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 5 Physics with a highlighter and pen. Take notes.
  • Take In-class Test for Lecture 5 Physics. Review it.

Friday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 4 Chemistry with a highlighter and pen. Take notes.
  • Take In-class Test for Lecture 4 Chemistry. Review it.

Saturday (3—4 hours)

  • Do every third problem in the 1001 Physics, 1001 Chemistry and 1001 Organic Chemistry Books, and every third passage in the 101 Biology Book for corresponding lectures. (optional)
  • Take a full length Test from 101 Passages in MCAT Verbal Reasoning. (optional)
  • DO mini-MCATs corresponding to week 6 (from mini-MCAT book).

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I realize that this is a bit late as week 5 has just ended…nevertheless, here ’tis

Sunday (0 hours)

  • Take a break—DO NOTHING MCAT related.

Monday (0 hours)

  • Take a break—DO NOTHING MCAT related.

Tuesday (1—2 hours)

  • Pre-read Lecture 1 Organic.
  • Re-read all the passages from the 101 Verbal test you took on previous Saturday. Write the main idea for each passage using the suggestions in Verbal Book Lecture 3.

Wednesday (0 hours)

  • Take a break—DO NOTHING MCAT related.

Thursay (1—2 hours)

  • Read Lecture 1 Organic with a highlighter and pen. Take notes.
  • Take In-class Test for Lecture 1 Organic. Review it.

Friday (0 hours)

  • Take a break—DO NOTHING MCAT related.

Saturday (1—2 hours)

  • Do every third problem in the 1001 Organic Chemistry Books for Lecture 1. (optional)
  • Take a full length Test from 101 Passages in MCAT Verbal Reasoning. (optional)

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I’m going into finals week at school and into week 4 of my MCAT studying. Here ’tis from the ExamKrackers website. I have also let the rough draft of my personal statement sit for a couple weeks. I will be looking at it again with [hopefully] fresh eyes and I might post it sometime this week.

Sunday (6—8 hours)

Monday (2 hours)

  • Pre-read Lecture 4 Biology; Lecture 4 Physics; Lecture 4 Verbal and Lecture 3 Chemistry.

Tuesday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 4 Verbal.
  • Review answers from Practice Test you took on Sunday.
  • For questions you got wrong, ask yourself if read it wrong or just didn’t know the science.
  • For the questions you got correct, ask yourself if there was a better way to get the answer.
  • Re-read all the question stems and answer choices from the 101 Verbal test you took on previous Saturday. DO NOT RE-READ PASSAGES. Answer all the questions.

Wednesday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 4 Biology with a highlighter and pen. Take notes.
  • Take In-class Test for Lecture 4 Biology. Review it.

Thursday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 4 Physics with a highlighter and pen. Take notes.
  • Take In-class Test for Lecture 4 Physics. Review it.

Friday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 3 Chemistry with a highlighter and pen. Take notes.
  • Take In-class Test for Lecture 3 Chemistry. Review it.

Saturday (3—4 hours)

  • Take a full length Test from 101 Passages in MCAT Verbal Reasoning. (optional)
  • DO mini-MCATs corresponding to week 4 (from mini-MCAT book).

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