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Archive for June, 2010

Uggh…

A fat day. Disgusting. I am a horrible, gross pig. I gained a good 50 pounds overnight. I had to weigh a few patients at work today, one weighed 108.9. I couldn’t fathom being remotely close to that size. The other aide I was working with said something about the pt being tiny and then said to me, “You probably don’t even weigh that much, though.” What?! Does she not see all the disgustingness that makes up me?

Fat on my stomach, on my hips, on my thighs, on my arms, in my face.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror. Running today was an exercise in imaging how disgusting I must look with all the fat jiggling around. How huge my legs looked in shorts. Running was physically difficult too–my legs nearly gave out for some reason within the first 5 minutes and that most certainly didn’t help. All I could think was that I let myself go and now the fat and the fatigue and the exhaustion were all related to my complete lack of self control.

Eating makes it worse. I’m not used to eating much so just a few bites makes my stomach distend and pains me.

And then the cycle continues downward. Spiraling. On and on. Starting over. Connecting seamlessly from one turn to the next. Spinning so fast I can’t stop to think that perhaps there might be a toehold to stop it at. But even if there were I wouldn’t have the slightest idea how to make it stop.

I hate feeling this way.

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My therapist weighed me this weekend. I had a general idea of where I was because last weekend I freaked out and bought a scale because I couldn’t stand not knowing anymore. It’s the cheapest scale possible though, so I don’t trust it’s accuracy more than a couple pounds. Anyway….back to the story…

I weighed 108. That’s what I weighed when I started 7th grade. I remember it because it was the first year I had a sports physical. I remember it because when I started 8th grade I was 107 and my doctor got all concerned.

108:  7th grade. At the time I was 5’0″. 12 years old.

108:  A new college graduate. I am now 5’4″. 21 years old.

What happened? A part of me was happy…108, what an accomplishment. But at the same time it was utterly terrifying. When I used to look back at pictures of 7th grade I thought I was thin (it was a different type, the pre-pubescent, no hips, no boobs, boyish-thin). Now I am 4 inches taller and I see nothing but fat on myself.

What happened?

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Different, different, different. Have I mentioned yet how change in the little things bothers me? The move to I— was not the most traumatic part of it. Moving apartments (or condo?) was not in and of itself terrible. Moving jobs and schools and starting a new degree–I can handle those.

It’s all the nitty-gritty details of life that get me worked up.

It started with unpacking. I love my new place, but I was really frustrated when the kitchen was set up differently than my last. I of course expected and knew that would happen, but it didn’t occur to me that it would be irritating. I hated that I had to reorganize all my dishes, choose new cupboards for food, situate things in the fridge and freezer differently and none of it correlated with the way I “liked” it. My bathroom supplies required an entirely new thought system. My general household stuff…same deal. What did stay the same? Not much….actually just my bookshelf. Honestly. The only thing I own that did not change a bit was my bookshelf.

Then came the bus system. Instead of having one integrated bus system I now had to deal with three: two different city bus systems and a campus bus system. And not just that, the new buses went in large loops rather than lines and had random names instead of the easy to remember colors.

New gas stations. I needed gas and although I have been to I— probably a good thousand times in my life I was suddenly blank on where to find a gas station. New grocery stores. Even the stores within chains had different set-ups and different products (on the bright side, I can get Chobani yogurt just a couple blocks from home now. I couldn’t find it to save my life in A—!). The Walmart is set up differently. Caribou Coffee is different.

These little things just grind away on me day by day and are more difficult than one, sudden, cataclysmic shift.

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Inappropriate Guilt

I have been meaning to write this for a long time…but in the past 1 1/2 weeks I have moved to a different town, started a new job, and started classes at a new school.

I have been really conflicted about my last post. I find myself questioning if I was correct in writing it. If I really had a right to feel that way. If I had a right to make others feel bad (although I suppose I technically don’t know whether that occurred or not and my therapist reminds me that it is often dangerous to make assumptions about what others think). Or the worst possible scenario–people possible misunderstanding my meaning. I recall reading at some point that all guilt is not bad. When guilt appears properly it can actually be a very useful and appropriate emotion. But I’m not sure that my current guilt is bad.

I feel guilty that I let my needs be known. This is a common theme in my life. For some reason I feel ashamed that 1) I have needs and that 2) sometimes those needs must be fulfilled by other people. Part of it is that I am scared to rely on other people (that requires trust!) but the other part is that I don’t want to be a burden. I know that I don’t think any of my friends are a burden so it’s very reasonable to assume that they don’t think of me as a burden, but that is still a common roadblock in my thinking.

I am afraid that people misunderstood that because I only presented one side to this argument that I don’t think the reverse is also true: that I am not perfect at supporting those I love. In fact that post was almost as much for me as it was for anyone else. I am far from perfect at this. When I think about how much I hurt sometimes, then it is a strong reminder that I need to be aware of the needs of others. I want to do this more. At this precise moment I have been thinking of it and utilizing some possibly inappropriate guilt. I feel bad that in the last few weeks I haven’t driven to A— or D— to see people. But when I think about what has been going on in my life recently (new job, moving to a new city, starting grad class, not being given a work schedule beyond a couple of weeks) I realize that I probably shouldn’t feel guilty that I haven’t visited people in the past two weeks. Again, this isn’t something that I have gotten any concrete feedback on; it is simply my imagination running and attempting to read the thoughts of others.

Sorry for the rambling and lack of coherence. I’ve used up the last of my brainpower today doing competency requirements at work and completing a difficult anatomy assignment as well as studying for the impending MCAT. But this is a topic I will likely consider to ruminate upon and may write about again…

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It’s here. The week of the MCAT. Obviously this week won’t exactly follow this schedule since the coming of computerized MCATs has opened up a whole variety of test dates (not just Saturdays).

I have been really busy with work and school and moving and studying for the MCAT. But I will post an overview/review of my entire MCAT preparation as well as any changes I made to the basic study plan. But it will probably won’t be until after the test on Thursday ;)….and after my anatomy test of Friday….

Sunday (6—8 hours)

  • Take a full length MCAT—CBT 10 from AAMC.

Monday (2 hours)

  • Begin setting good sleep patterns for the week.
  • Review answers from Practice Test you took on Sunday.
  • For questions you got wrong, ask yourself if read it wrong or just didn’t know the science.
  • For the questions you got correct, ask yourself if there was a better way to get the answer.

Tuesday (2—3 hours)

  • Take a full length Test from 101 Passages in MCAT Verbal Reasoning. (optional)
  • Review any areas of weakness by listening to corresponding lecture in Audio Osmosis, or do problems in the 1001 Physics, 1001 Chemistry, 101 Biology, and 1001 Organic Chemistry Books for corresponding lectures. (optional)

Wednesday (2—3 hours)

  • Continue to review.

Thursday (0 hours)

  • NO MORE STUDYING.

Friday (0 hours)

  • Take a break—DO NOTHING MCAT related.

Saturday (6—8 hours)

  • Do good. Do really, really good.

Courtesy ExamKrackers.

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Sunday (6—8 hours)

  • Take a full length MCAT—CBT 9 from AAMC.

Monday (3—4 hours)

  • Pre-read Lecture 8 Biology; Lecture 9 Biology; Lecture 8 Physics; and Lecture 7 Chemistry.
  • Review answers from Practice Test you took on Sunday.
  • For questions you got wrong, ask yourself if read it wrong or just didn’t know the science.
  • For the questions you got correct, ask yourself if there was a better way to get the answer.

Tuesday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 8 Biology.
  • Take In-class Test for Lecture 8 Biology. Review it.

Wednesday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 9 Biology with a highlighter and pen. Take notes.
  • Take In-class Test for Lecture 9 Biology. Review it.

Thursday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 8 Physics with a highlighter and pen. Take notes.
  • Take In-class Test for Lecture 8 Physics. Review it.

Friday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 7 Chemistry with a highlighter and pen. Take notes.
  • Take in-class Test for Lecture 7 Chemistry. Review it.

Saturday ( 3—4 hours)

  • Do every third problem in the 1001 Physics and 1001 Chemistry Books, and every third passage in the 101 Biology Book for corresponding lectures. (optional)
  • Take a full length Test from 101 Passages in MCAT Verbal Reasoning. (optional)
  • DO mini-MCATs corresponding to week 9 (from mini-MCAT book).

Courtesy ExamKrackers.

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Sunday (0 hours)

  • Take a break—DO NOTHING MCAT related.

Monday (2 hours)

  • Pre-read Lecture 7 Biology; Lecture 7 Physics; Lecture 4 Organic and Lecture 6 Chemistry.

Tuesday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 4 Organic.
  • Take In-class Test for Lecture 4 Organic. Review it.

Wednesday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 7 Biology with a highlighter and pen. Take notes.
  • Take In-class Test for Lecture 7 Biology. Review it.

Thursday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 7 Physics with a highlighter and pen. Take notes.
  • Take In-class Test for Lecture 7 Physics. Review it.

Friday (2—3 hours)

  • Read Lecture 6 Chemistry with a highlighter and pen. Take notes.
  • Take In-class Test for Lecture 6 Chemistry. Review it.

Saturday (3—4 hours)

  • Do every third problem in the 1001 Physics, 1001 Chemistry and 1001 Organic Chemistry Books, and every third passage in the 101 Biology Book for corresponding lectures. (optional)
  • Take a full length Test from 101 Passages in MCAT Verbal Reasoning. (optional)
  • DO mini-MCATs corresponding to week 8 (from mini-MCAT book).

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