Archive for September, 2012

Breaking Out

I’m taking another break from my therapist. This time it was mostly my decision. Last time I did this (January) it was E’s idea, I was pissed, and took it out on myself. The break led to a downward spiral where I lost weight, returned to purging, and began lying more. Last week, E suggested that I was not prepared to change and if that was the case then there wasn’t much reason for us to continue.

That night I cried and cried. I was and still am torn about what I want to do. Part of me wants to continue with E and continue to fight, but as a lifelong people pleaser I don’t know if it’s because I really want it or I just want to please E. Another part wants to go out on my own, leave the hassle of doctor and therapy appointments behind, along with my “identity” of an eating disorder. And I would be lying if I didn’t say that a small part of me wants this as a way to run all the way back to the disorder and lose even more weight.

But there are so many things that I don’t want to lose in my life right now. I am so close to my mater’s I can almost taste it. I have a great job at student health. I have a medical school application on the line. And I have my boyfriend, M.

Time will tell how this experiment turns out.

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For the past several years, whenever someone uttered the word “spirituality,” I have cringed. I know that spirituality does not mean religion, but that is what is most often meant. It’s strange that I became the person who shied away from that. I grew up in a strongly Catholic family (or at least with a strongly Catholic father). In my family, missing church was a greater offense than missing school. And I played the role of perfect daughter: I was an altar server, I played flute and piano for Mass, I went to Stations of the Cross with my dad every week during Lent, whenever Reconciliation was offered my dad could be assured that I would be the one family member that would go with him. My first year of college I went to 8 a.m. Mass every Sunday and also to the Thursday night Mass for college students. But somewhere in my second year I stopped. That was the year my depression and eating disorder came back full force. I was just lonely and sad and didn’t believe in God anymore. I remember going to the church late one weeknight and kneeling in the empty day chapel with my Rosary and just sobbing because I didn’t feel anything anymore. The one place where I always felt I belonged was no longer there at a time when I was already feeling so alone and lost.¬†And that was the end. I went to a couple services at the Unitarian-Universalist Church and have gone to Catholic Mass just a few times when I’m back with my parents. I have not willingly set foot in a Catholic Church for nearly 4 years.

Recently, I’ve found myself craving a spiritual community of some sort. But I’m torn as to where I should go. The UU congregation here only has services on Sunday mornings when I am at work. I don’t know that I believe in God and my opinions collide strongly with the Catholic Church in many areas, but it still pulls at me. The rich tradition of the Church, all my family on both sides, and just a sense of familiarity. Not to mention, with daily noon Mass I could most certainly go on my “weekend” of Wed/Thur. But I haven’t gone much past toying with the idea. After so long it’s hard to go back, especially when it involves a subject so full of judgment and beliefs as religion is.

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