Archive for October, 2012

Shout Her Lovely Name (a short story)

This came through my Twitter feed one day. I find it somewhat haunting.

It made me think. Is this what my mother goes through? Obviously not in the same sense since I no longer live at home. What about my boyfriend? My friends?

It’s not often a short story can give such a stirring glimpse into someone else’s experience.

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I’m collecting the last of my recommendation letters for medical school. Every time someone tells me they submitted their letter my first thought is “Good, now when I lose more weight it can’t be mentioned as a potential negative in their letter.” Because every day it feels more like losing weight and slipping back into the disorder is much more of a question of when and not if and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t have a strong desire to lose more weight but I have such an intense fear of gaining that I tend to over-correct for that possibility. And I have a fear of eating the “wrong” diet. If I’m going to eat it has to be the perfect diet and I haven’t found out what that is yet.

On an unrelated note…

I love minimalism. Actually I have loved the look and concept of minimalism for a long time and been reading about it for over a year now, but I’ve never really told people because my life is so far removed from it. I’ve always naturally been somewhat of a messy pack-rat. Part of this comes from my parents, but a good portion is probably just my personality. Both my parents grew up in very large, poor farm families and with that came a tendency to save for the “just in case.” My mother’s files consist of stacks of paper and bills on the kitchen counter and my dad refuses to throw out the crock part of the last 3 crock pots my family had.

But I really do want to move more to living a minimalist lifestyle. I want to reduce my possessions, clear out my condo, and learn to be content with what I have. And if my condo looked like the one in this article, I would probably faint in happiness. Okay, maybe not that drastically minimalist. I do like a bit of a lived-in feel, but I definitely would like a cleaner, sleeker, more spacious life in my current amount of space.

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So my practicum for my MPH degree consisted of creating videos and handouts to teach students how they can strength train without a gym or expensive equipment. I finished up my videos on Friday and on Monday I received this email from a coworker:

 “There is one video that I am concerned about; the Strength Training Basics video. This is one that I had not seen until last Friday. I am concerned about how your appearance in this video will reflect on physical activity and health to students who may view it, as it looks like your weight is below what is considered healthy in this particular video. For this purpose, is it okay with you if we re-tape this video with a student from Trish’s College Health class? Your presentation of the information was great and spot-on, I’m just concerned about the message we would be portraying from a physical appearance standpoint.  If you’d like to talk about this…”

A couple things

  1. Yes, this was the last video that was taped and it was completed the day before I entered inpatient
  2. She most certainly has seen this video before last Friday. It was the first one done and she sent me an email about how great it was but that the sound was too quiet.

 My only questions are why now? and do I really look that different? I know there is a double-digit discrepancy in my weight between the different videos (because I mark the passing of time with my weights), but I can’t see a difference.

I played the insightful, obliging role and told her that I understood the reasoning and knew my weight was too low. I also gave a few changes to the script and offered my help for the retaping. All the while just questioning it…

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