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Archive for June, 2013

“Eukaryotic cells have evolved a way to resist eating for long periods of time by digesting their own components. When starving conditions are prolonged, cells digest part of their own cytoplasmic components to recycle metabolites needed to synthesize essential molecules…” Nature

Ever since this came up in lecture I imagine my lysosomes munching away on non-essential proteins. They probably aren’t right now, my eating has been ok, but I still imagine it happening.

 

But lecture…and school. I started my summer,¬†pre-matriculation¬†program last week. Wowzers. There is a lot of information. A lot of details. And it all goes quite quickly. I’m good at the big picture. It makes sense, I completely understand how things move, etc. However, I am not at all good at the little details. And that’s what’s tested.

First test was not good. Fortunately this summer is not graded and is my chance to make these mistakes.

I’ll be honest, I’ve never had to study. I made it through both my bachelor’s and master’s without putting forth any real academic effort.

But that has to change.

Next Friday is another exam and another chance to try some different study tactics.

 

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Sometimes the stats for my blog make me sad. No, not because I have so few visitors, I expect that. I am saddened by the ways people are brought to my blog.

What do you think is the most common search phrase that brings people to my blog?

“Why am I such a screw up?”

That never fails to surprise me. And make me sad that there are people out there hunting for the answers to this on the internet.

But it’s only the top in terms of precise search terms. The top category is a combination of eating disorder plus some term related to medical/grad school (MCAT, medical school, medical school interview, grad school). I’ve googled these before. It’s nearly impossible to find any answers. Eating disorders in medical school (and to a lesser extent, grad school) are not talked about. They are not written about. They are hardly mentioned at all. Which also makes me sad. It also makes me think that I should write more about that and how having an eating disorder does fit (or not) into medical school. My struggles, the decisions, my successes. Making this less personal (I know 99% of the people reading this probably know me) and more helpful for others like me who feel alone in this struggle.

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I feel like I just posted yesterday, but it’s been over 3 weeks. In those 3 weeks I have watched my brother run in the state track meet, drove to Denver and back, spent time at my parents, went to graduation parties for my brother, cousin, and a few others, worked, and even managed to fit in a few alone days at home. I also have gone back to see E—.

I have now seen her 3 times. The first time I went I was terrified. Maybe terrified isn’t the right word. Ashamed is probably more accurate. Really I am ashamed every time I see her. Probably 90% of the emotions I experience are some form on shame. I am ashamed of what I eat. I am ashamed of what I weigh. I am ashamed of when I eat. I am ashamed of not exercising enough. I am ashamed of being fat. I am ashamed of having a huge stomach. I am ashamed of my fat fingers and thighs and arms.

But the difference this time is that even with all this shame I am fighting. I’m not always moving forward, but I’m fighting to not move backward. I would say that although I’m not jumping in to the work of recovery, I am dipping my toe in.

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