Archive for July, 2013

I feel like recently I have been upset and frustrated with things and I have no one to blame but myself.

My summer class is not going as well as I would like. I’m pretty sure the primary reason for this is that I spend 20 hours working every Saturday/Sunday. And who thought they could work through this?


I have not had a day off since the 4th of July and it’s totally stressing me out. And the last time before that was like 2 weeks before that. But again, who decided to work and take a full-time class this summer?

That’s right, me.

I have been having GI issues again. Recently I’ve been having more gas and bloating (sorry if this is TMI). I couldn’t quite pinpoint what seemed to be causing it so last week I avoided dairy products. Lo and behold, gas and bloating, gone. So one day I had a couple slices of cheese and 30 minutes later, gas was back. I’m stuck. Last summer when I was inpatient, they tested me for lactose intolerance and it was negative. So I started eating milk, cheese, ice cream and all that other stuff again, and I didn’t have issues until recently. But I’m afraid that if I stop eating dairy again people will think I’m restricting or making it up. A bed I made twice: messing up my body with a stupid eating disorder and losing trust about food/eating from those around me.

On the bright side though: Only 4 more days of class. Followed by a whirlwind of celebrating my grandparent’s 60th(!) wedding anniversary (I cannot even fathom being married that long), shadowing my rural mentor for a week, a brief stint home, the state fair, a trip to Syracuse, NY, and then real school. Ahhhhh!!!!

I always tell myself that things will calm down and go back to normal and then I’ll be okay. Then I remember that as a physician a hectic/abnormal schedule are the normal. Then I wonder why someone like me (who doesn’t like change and craves a solid schedule) is going into medicine where I probably won’t have a stable schedule for another 8-10 years.

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What if…

What if I just can’t do it?

These days that seems to be more and more of a possibility these days. I’ve now had 3 exams in my summer program and have yet to pass one. Passing is 70%; I have received 60%, 60% and 57% respectively.

Now I know that this program is quite a bit different than the school year for several reasons. First, every exam covers 3 different subjects. Second, I only have a week to learn and understand all the intricate details. Third, we are just getting bits and pieces from different times of the semester without the conect lectures between them. Fourth, Many of the professors are compressing 2 or more lectures in to a single 1-hour lecture.

And on the non-school differences. My little brother is living with me so I want to spend time with him and there’s more cleaning and whatnot to do, I’m still working 20 hours every weekend in addition to spending ~30 hours in class each week, and it’s summer when I just don’t have the inclination to study as much.

I know several of the people in this program last year said they failed multiple exams in the summer but did just fine in the fall. That makes me feel slightly better, but I’m terrified I’ll be the exception. I’m afraid school will come and I won’t want to study more or my study tactics will prove to be ineffective. Although I don’t have a lot of evidence for that because every week I have one subject that I do awesome on. Week 1 I killed anatomy, Week 2 I aced biochem, and this week CellBio was totally my thing.

I’m trying to make myself feel better, but it’s not helping much. I almost cried after my exam and I had to leave the building and just go outside and walk around campus for a while.

I don’t know what to do with myself.

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