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Archive for January, 2014

I’m in a Thursday night motivation slump and am struggling to continue to study for my exam tomorrow. First exam of the semester: Human Organ Systems–covering epithelium, skin, muscle tissue, nervous tissue, connective tissue, and pretty much whatever doesn’t fit in to the “real” organ systems. I think part of my lack of motivation is that I’m still not fully back in to the school routine. I haven’t had an exam yet and the reality of exams every Friday has yet to hit me. The other part is probably related to my brain struggling through the eating disorder fog.

But the stuff we are learning is definitely more interesting.

Ok. Honestly, I can’t even think straight enough to write a coherent blog post right now so the rest will just be random thoughts.

Neuro is cool. At least the playing with brains part. I was enjoyed neuro lab today and was like “ooooh! that’s awesome!” and one of my lab partners responded “it’s neuro, it’s not awesome.” And he was somewhat serious. I thought that was strange because¬†I’m holding a real human brain! how on earth is that not cool?! He then suggested that perhaps I should be a neurologist. I will almost certainly not be a neurologist, but I will continue to think brains are cool.

Wound healing is awesome. Ok, so I did once time in junior high document the phases of a random largish cut I had, so this shouldn’t be all that surprising that I like wound healing. Sadly, with my low weight I struggle to get extremely excited about things, so although normally I would be over the moon about learning how wounds actually heal I’m more like “meh, that’s interesting. I’ve always wondered how that worked.”

Immunology….uhhh I’m somewhat lost there right now. I should probably get unlost before the exam in it next Friday. It’s not that I don’t understand it…ok so I don’t understand some of it. It’s primarily that I don’t have a clue what I should or shouldn’t even be trying to learn.

I was looking forward to learning the neurological exam and then I went to learn it and had a quiz on the musculoskeletal exam right before that and the standardized patient gave me 50% for stupid nit-picky reasons and it ruined my mood for the neurological exam. It did however, make it somewhat more satisfying to gag her and prick her with a pin as part of the neuro exam (don’t worry, I didn’t do it too hard).

I really hope I don’t fail my exam tomorrow. If I did fail tomorrow though, it would make me consider taking time off for more intensive treatment slightly more than I currently am. I think I would probably have longer-lasting success if I could get back up on my own. But most nights I feel so stuck and in such a deep deep hole that I’m not sure it is possible to get out on my own.

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A text

A text from a friend regarding recovery from an eating disorder. I saved it because it’s so poignant. And sadly, many days I share the same sentiments.

It’s a losing battle, always. There is not a single person that I have met through all of my treatment that is better, or even doing well. Maybe they were for 2 months, maybe even a year, but everyone ends up sick again, in treatment, over and over again.

We’re a hopeless bunch yet so caught on the hope that we might get better, so we put in the energy and the huge sum of money, and the time. It never seems to truly get anywhere, except maybe a short reprise where we can function for a short time, at least well enough to fool everyone else.¬†But we don’t fool ourselves.

 

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I returned to therapy.

It all somewhat started the week before Thanksgiving. I was having an exceptionally rough week in school and my anxiety and depression were utterly out of control. I broke down crying every night, I couldn’t focus in class, etc etc. So I went in to the medical student counseling center and talked to someone. And of course my past history came up and although I wasn’t intending on telling anyone at school about it, I mentioned to the counselor that in previous times of stress I had turned to restriction and purging. And one thing led to another and my current purging came out. Clearly she was worried because she wanted to see me relatively soon after that, but fortunately she also recognized my reluctance to returning to any sort of treatment and didn’t push too hard for me to see a psychiatrist or therapist. Eventually I came around and scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist. And from that eventually scheduled one with a therapist.

It is a different therapist than I was previously seeing although I know him (W) because he is the primary therapist for the partial and inpatient eating disorder programs. The psychiatrist is completely new (though we had briefly met when I worked at the hospital) and of course the medical school counselor is new. I haven’t had to get to know a new provider for 3 1/2 years. I have trouble opening up to new people, especially when combined with the fact that I was really hesitant about returning to treatment in the first place. It’s a little strange that a year ago weekly therapy and routine psych visits were part of my routine and life felt off-kilter without them and now it is completely the opposite. I feel uncomfortable checking in at the clinic and sitting and talking to someone. I suppose with time though this will change.

Anyway, the reason I started this post is that I saw my therapist this morning and his question to me was, “What do you want?” And I didn’t really know at the time. (other than to stop purging because that really sucks) But now I do know.

I want to eat. I want to eat good, healthy food and not feel guilty about it. I want to wake up in the morning have a nutritious breakfast and not spend all morning obsessing about how to compensate for those calories at lunch or through exercise. I want to embrace my love of cooking and experimenting with food and not fear it because cooking leads to eating. I want to feel strong when I run because I have not starved or dehydrated myself. I want to spend my free time pursuing the things I love, not hunting for ways to cut calories out of food and add calories in to physical activity. I want to do amazing things with my brain and my body. I want to be free.

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