Archive for February, 2015

Looking Back

It’s been a long time since I last wrote. Lots of things have been on my mind this week.

One is all that went on at this time last year. Being unexpectedly hospitalized and subsequently taking a medical leave from school to enter treatment at the Eating Recovery Center in Denver. While I certainly wasn’t “fixed” during my time there, I do believe I made more progress (and more lasting progress) than in any previous treatment. Things are certainly not perfect. Far from it. My weight is lower than my treatment team would like it, I still engage in eating disordered behaviors on a fairly regular basis, I still struggle with being able to not exercise and be okay with it. But things are not nearly as bad as they have been in the past and I have more motivation to continue to fight this than before.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about Zephyr recently. Today would have been his sixth birthday. Not only does that bring back some tough memories, we also recently (as in this week) got another puppy. An Aussie puppy. I thought I was ready for another Aussie because I was beyond the stage where I still thought I could replace Zef. But I was not prepared for the fear that came with having another pup so similar to him. Whether he truly is similar or not is probably debatable because I view everything he does through a lens clouded by fear that Zero will turn out to be like Zef. I see his playing with Ziva as aggression and dominance against dogs instead of typical play. I see his struggles with being restrained as aggression against people instead of normal puppy behavior. While we are working extremely hard with him so that none of this does happen I probably should relax a little more. And I am scared because I don’t totally love him yet. I think my experience with Zef has made me more reserved in my dog love. I poured my whole heart and soul in to that dog. I felt so connected to him and he was my sole companion for many years of living alone. And the pain that came with putting down my best friend in the entire world was heart breaking. I don’t think my heart will ever recover from that. I didn’t love Ziva when we first got her, but I love her to death now. So I probably shouldn’t be surprised that I don’t totally love Zero yet; with time he will almost certainly grow on me as well.

I have more to write about, but enough for tonight.

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