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When one is little, everything makes sense one knows who they are and one knows who they want to be. At twenty, one does not know, and one does not know how to know. Worse, sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference between who one wants to be, and who others want us to be. And, when one thinks they do know, something is always standing in the way!
—-Spela Grasic

This has taken me a long time to write. The hardest thing for me to do is to say that I have failed, and this time it isn’t a subjective failure. It’s there, no one can argue the fact. I didn’t get into medical school. I didn’t get into any medical school.

When I’m talking to others I can put a positive spin on it all–I’m a [very] young applicant (and medical schools are trending toward older applicants), it will be good to have a year of full-time work/part-time school, I’m looking at buying a house. But when darkness comes and I am alone, I can’t hide from myself.

The first thought that comes to mind is how permanent this all is. I will never be a person who got into medical school on my first try. I will always be marred by at least one full-out rejection. I’mĀ embarrassed, I just want to hide and not have anyone ask me about medical school.

Then it turns to why I didn’t get in. Were my grades bad? (only if a 3.96 gpa is ‘bad’) Was my MCAT score low? (that one varies a bit depending upon the school) Did I not have enough ‘experience’ (dunno, what is working in a psych unit, working in a nursing home, volunteering at a hospital, a research assistant with patient contact?) Was my essay terrible? (who knows, either way, I’m rewriting it) Did I represent myself poorly in my interview? Am I just lacking as a person?

And what to do next? Have I improved my application at all this year? Should I retake the MCAT? I gave the application my all this year, why should I think it would be any different next year? I know I need to believe in myself to even have a chance of getting in again, but it is so very hard right now.

My plan? Starting my essay in the next month and having as many people as possible look over it. Getting my application in on the earliest day possible. Calling the medical schools I applied to this year and asking why I was rejected/how to improve. Consider retaking the MCAT.

~L

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