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Posts Tagged ‘ed treatment’

…in partial that is.

It was a hard day. Hard because I was back. There are a couple people there that have been through the program but for them it’s been years and years. I’m the only recent readmission.

Hard because I was in the same hospital where I go to school and work every day.

Hard because I don’t know if I care about the why of it anymore. I kind of feel like that is beating a dead horse and has really become irrelevant. All I want to know is the how. How do I get out of this? How do I keep from falling back in?

And I’ll admit it, there’s still hesitation. If I could get better without gaining the weight I would do it. If I could gain the weight and never have to think about it again I could live with that. But I know it’s going to be a never ending struggle. I pray that it isn’t my solution for everything (med school too hard? lose weight. Difficulties at work? Lose weight.) although I know that for a long time it will be at the front of my mind.

But I’m so scared. I’m scared of getting fat. I’m scared that my fellow public health students will think I’m huge when I get back. I’m scared that I’ll be the fattest person in my med school class.

But I’m not brave enough to talk about these yet. Instead I sat all day in group, on the verge of tears.

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