Posts Tagged ‘fat’

I feel like I just posted yesterday, but it’s been over 3 weeks. In those 3 weeks I have watched my brother run in the state track meet, drove to Denver and back, spent time at my parents, went to graduation parties for my brother, cousin, and a few others, worked, and even managed to fit in a few alone days at home. I also have gone back to see E—.

I have now seen her 3 times. The first time I went I was terrified. Maybe terrified isn’t the right word. Ashamed is probably more accurate. Really I am ashamed every time I see her. Probably 90% of the emotions I experience are some form on shame. I am ashamed of what I eat. I am ashamed of what I weigh. I am ashamed of when I eat. I am ashamed of not exercising enough. I am ashamed of being fat. I am ashamed of having a huge stomach. I am ashamed of my fat fingers and thighs and arms.

But the difference this time is that even with all this shame I am fighting. I’m not always moving forward, but I’m fighting to not move backward. I would say that although I’m not jumping in to the work of recovery, I am dipping my toe in.

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…in partial that is.

It was a hard day. Hard because I was back. There are a couple people there that have been through the program but for them it’s been years and years. I’m the only recent readmission.

Hard because I was in the same hospital where I go to school and work every day.

Hard because I don’t know if I care about the why of it anymore. I kind of feel like that is beating a dead horse and has really become irrelevant. All I want to know is the how. How do I get out of this? How do I keep from falling back in?

And I’ll admit it, there’s still hesitation. If I could get better without gaining the weight I would do it. If I could gain the weight and never have to think about it again I could live with that. But I know it’s going to be a never ending struggle. I pray that it isn’t my solution for everything (med school too hard? lose weight. Difficulties at work? Lose weight.) although I know that for a long time it will be at the front of my mind.

But I’m so scared. I’m scared of getting fat. I’m scared that my fellow public health students will think I’m huge when I get back. I’m scared that I’ll be the fattest person in my med school class.

But I’m not brave enough to talk about these yet. Instead I sat all day in group, on the verge of tears.

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A fat day. Disgusting. I am a horrible, gross pig. I gained a good 50 pounds overnight. I had to weigh a few patients at work today, one weighed 108.9. I couldn’t fathom being remotely close to that size. The other aide I was working with said something about the pt being tiny and then said to me, “You probably don’t even weigh that much, though.” What?! Does she not see all the disgustingness that makes up me?

Fat on my stomach, on my hips, on my thighs, on my arms, in my face.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror. Running today was an exercise in imaging how disgusting I must look with all the fat jiggling around. How huge my legs looked in shorts. Running was physically difficult too–my legs nearly gave out for some reason within the first 5 minutes and that most certainly didn’t help. All I could think was that I let myself go and now the fat and the fatigue and the exhaustion were all related to my complete lack of self control.

Eating makes it worse. I’m not used to eating much so just a few bites makes my stomach distend and pains me.

And then the cycle continues downward. Spiraling. On and on. Starting over. Connecting seamlessly from one turn to the next. Spinning so fast I can’t stop to think that perhaps there might be a toehold to stop it at. But even if there were I wouldn’t have the slightest idea how to make it stop.

I hate feeling this way.

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