Posts Tagged ‘fatigue’

Tuesdays kill me.

I leave home at 8 a.m. because I “have to” walk to campus. It starts early, that voice. The eating disorder voice that tells me if I don’t walk everywhere I go then I will instantly become fat. “poof!” In an instant. Instead of turning into a goon I become my worst nightmare the instant I don’t obey the voice. So I do. I walk to campus. It is 1 mile to the close edge and another 3/4 mile to the building that holds my first Tuesday class. That isn’t until 10 but I came early so I can sit in the library and beat my brain down before the day starts, working on homework, worrying about all the work I didn’t do the night before.

At 9:40 I head to the music building, pull out my flute and prepare for my 10 a.m. lesson. I enjoy my lessons. Lately I’ve been a bit stressed because my senior recital is coming up and because I missed the first two weeks of school getting ensemble things worked out with my pianist has been crunched for time. That typically runs all the way up to the hour which means that I am late for my 11 a.m. class.

That stresses me out too. Some classes I am ok with being late for, but this is a small, upper-level women’s studies class and the only entrance is in the front of the room so everyone doesn’t just see me, I have to visibly break their lines of sight to the professor in order to get to my seat. And then the class is an hour and a half, not a big fan of long classes. When that is done I trudge to my psychology of women class that begins at 12:40 and, of course, also runs an hour and a half.

At 2 I promptly leave psych and head to a two-hour physics lab. Some lab classes don’t take the full lab period, but this semester of physics has run the full-time nearly every lab. As soon as I’m done with lab I head back to music hall for a two-hour orchestra rehearsal. My day is finally over at 6 p.m. however, I still feel the need to walk home.

I arrive home utterly exhausted. And why shouldn’t I? I just had 8 hours of intensive classes with no break. Lunch is a hurried matter and snacks typically don’t happen unless I break rules and bring food into the recital hall during orchestra rehearsal. I have walked 3 miles just going to campus and back and easily another 1-1 1/2 miles between classes. It’s no wonder I never have any motivation to do homework. Many nights I stare blankly at my books or computer screen and try to will my brain to think coherently so I can get work done and escape the guilt. Should I just call Tuesday nights a loss? Go to bed as early as possible so that when Wednesday comes I am fully rested and can handle more. I wish I could. Instead, I force myself to painfully waste time writing a few lines in a paper, I go to bed late, the next morning I am still exhausted. I can either sleep later (hello guilt and worry!) or drag myself out of bed and spend another day with lost productivity because I am so worn down that I can’t get my brain to think in an organized fashion. And this scene repeats itself on Thursday and Friday.

I long to have the energy and stamina to take Tuesdays as they come. To buck up to one challenging day in a week and come out of it okay. Will I ever be able to do that again? Will I ever have the insane drive I had in high school that allowed to me go to school, run track, and practice flute and piano upwards of four hours a day? Will I be able to handle the rigors of medical school? Of a career in medicine?

Should I regret the insanity I gained when I planned my schedule for the semester or should I appreciate the opportunity to spot my weaknesses and create a plan to combat them?

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