Posts Tagged ‘finals’

So maybe my expectations were a bit too high. Yesterday I went to the library and for over 3 hours had some pretty good focus going on. It wasn’t quite like the old days where I could get completely absorbed in my work and completely appreciate it, but it was a whole lot better than the focus [or lack thereof] that has come with the worsening of my eating disorder. I thought that I could go back today and have the same experience. I should have known better. I went, and of course couldn’t focus at all. It took me 3 hours to do half of what I got done yesterday. I want to want to study again. I want to love learning again. I want to have my brilliant mind back. Yes, I said that, I gave myself a compliment. I never used to give myself credit for being smart, but I was. I simply absorbed everything I needed to know just by attending lecture. I studied because I loved learning so much and I mostly learned extras that weren’t explicitly tested, but that gave me a greater understanding of the subject. I read books upon books for pleasure–all non-fiction. This semester I have finished a total of 3 books. Pathetic.
What have I done to myself? I don’t want to live this way anymore. I don’t want to go through another semester with an eating disorder. It sucks. And I can absolutely guarantee that if I try to go to medical school still completely steeped in this thing, I will fail. Fail miserably.
What am I even getting out of this ED? I haven’t lost weight. Even on an ultra-low-calorie diet, one that should have me at a skeletal weight, I weigh precisely what I have for the past 4 years. I have done this for so long that my body has adapted. I don’t even have the benefit of having lost weight. Instead I’m exhausted all the time, I can’t do my schoolwork properly, I can’t run, I can’t enjoy my friends, I can’t enjoy Zephyr. I can’t enjoy Life.

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