Posts Tagged ‘grad school’

Sometimes the stats for my blog make me sad. No, not because I have so few visitors, I expect that. I am saddened by the ways people are brought to my blog.

What do you think is the most common search phrase that brings people to my blog?

“Why am I such a screw up?”

That never fails to surprise me. And make me sad that there are people out there hunting for the answers to this on the internet.

But it’s only the top in terms of precise search terms. The top category is a combination of eating disorder plus some term related to medical/grad school (MCAT, medical school, medical school interview, grad school). I’ve googled these before. It’s nearly impossible to find any answers. Eating disorders in medical school (and to a lesser extent, grad school) are not talked about. They are not written about. They are hardly mentioned at all. Which also makes me sad. It also makes me think that I should write more about that and how having an eating disorder does fit (or not) into medical school. My struggles, the decisions, my successes. Making this less personal (I know 99% of the people reading this probably know me) and more helpful for others like me who feel alone in this struggle.

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It seems to go faster every year. As a child I always heard adults saying that and equated it to being old. Does this mean I’m old now? Regardless, where am I in life right now?

I am not seeing anyone from my treatment team. E (therapist) suggested a break at the end of September. I had initially kept an appointment in late October to check in after that. I canceled it. I stopped seeing my dietitian and physician too. Honestly, I feel more settled than I have in a long time. I still have eating disorder behaviors, I still worry about weight and calories, but I no longer have this pull between doing what the eating disorder wants and what my team wanted to hear. I have a new normal and I no longer have the nagging in the back of my head that it isn’t right or the exhausting struggle to change.

I have completed all the work for my MPH although I’m still waiting to see if I passed my [pass/fail] practicum to officially graduate. I would be lying if I didn’t say that I still have a lot of anxiety about not passing and therefore not graduating.

Next semester I will be taking one class for several reasons:
1) The hospital (my primary job that supplies benefits) will pay for me to take up to 4 credits of a “work-related” class
2) There is a class next semester in the college of public health that I have been wanting to take.
3) My job at Student Health is officially classified as a student job, so to keep it I have to be taking at least one class.

I interviewed for the medical school at my current university just before Thanksgiving. I haven’t heard anything more. It is by far my first choice school but since this is my fourth time applying I’m not particularly optimistic. I have two interviews at osteopathic medical schools next week. In many ways osteopathic medicine seems to be a better fit for me. It has a greater focus on primary care, prevention, alternative medicine, and caring for the whole person. But I hate moving and the closest osteopathic schools are 2 and 3 hours from where I currently live 😦 Not to mention M absolutely refuses to move or go to one of the places (currently my 3rd choice). And allopathic (MD) school rejections have been starting to come in. It’s somewhat depressing. Additionally, osteopathic schools have a much faster turnaround time so in a month I will almost definitely have decisions from both of next week’s interviews.

On the home front. My house is a mess and it drives me nuts, but I’m completely overwhelmed about where to start with cleaning and decluttering. I have been shelling out some money for a new dog trainer. Zef had been having increasing behavior and aggression problems. It was getting to the point where I was avoiding walking him and dreaded just taking him outside briefly for the bathroom. And when I did take him on a longer walk or run my shoulder would hurt for a day or two after. This trainer was recommended to me by my academic advisor. The trainer has raised Australian shepherd for years. She comes to my house and works with Zef and I in our natural environment. She has come 3 times in about a month and a half and although progress is slow, there has been significant progress.

I’m sure there’s more, but that seems to be enough for now.

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