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Posts Tagged ‘identity’

Last week I went back to the county fair in my hometown. While growing up the county fair was the highlight of my summer…sort of.

I truly loved livestock, photography, dog obedience, and everything else I showed. I excelled at nearly everything. I played the part of a “good” 4-Her.  I never felt like I really belonged there.

But I tried so hard. I arrived at the fair early to feed the livestock and clean out pens. I put myself in jeans and boots to fit the picture. I hung out in the barns until long after sunset. And I thought that this was the real me. That if I just tried hard enough I would feel like I belonged and not just look like I belonged.

Going back this summer–in my shorts, and nice shirt and shoes–I realized that I was banging on my edges to make myself a certain shape. A square. But no matter how hard I tried I could never break through the basic skeleton of me. A triangle. I could change the color, I could change the size, but I could only change the angles so much. I could only have 3…never the 4 that would allow me into the coveted square hole.

But I’m okay with that.

Two years ago (or even last year) that realization would have been heart-wrenching. Knowing that I would never be a perfect copy of my father or older brother. But I’m happy with where I am now and I wouldn’t change it in order to go back to the point where I was trying to fit into a particular mold. I see now how miserable I was while I was attempting it. Perhaps if things had gone differently in my life, if my parents had given me more freedom with farming things, I wouldn’t be a triangle. If if if…but it’s the way things happened. I am who I am today and I can’t change the past.

As I left a couple of hours later and returned to my city condo to work in an air-conditioned hospital I realized I’m not only okay with that…I quite happy about it.

On a side note, this week I ran across this: http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=450292110309

Which includes this song….which I love…and goes along with today’s post.

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