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Posts Tagged ‘shame’

I feel like I just posted yesterday, but it’s been over 3 weeks. In those 3 weeks I have watched my brother run in the state track meet, drove to Denver and back, spent time at my parents, went to graduation parties for my brother, cousin, and a few others, worked, and even managed to fit in a few alone days at home. I also have gone back to see E—.

I have now seen her 3 times. The first time I went I was terrified. Maybe terrified isn’t the right word. Ashamed is probably more accurate. Really I am ashamed every time I see her. Probably 90% of the emotions I experience are some form on shame. I am ashamed of what I eat. I am ashamed of what I weigh. I am ashamed of when I eat. I am ashamed of not exercising enough. I am ashamed of being fat. I am ashamed of having a huge stomach. I am ashamed of my fat fingers and thighs and arms.

But the difference this time is that even with all this shame I am fighting. I’m not always moving forward, but I’m fighting to not move backward. I would say that although I’m not jumping in to the work of recovery, I am dipping my toe in.

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