I’m living with a lot of fear right now. Fear of gaining weight. Fear of not getting into medical school. Fear of having to make a choice of what to do with myself next year in case I don’t get into medical school. Fear of failing exams.
I live in fear of having life fall apart and everyone seeing that my successes (or at least lack of failures) are all a sham and I will be outed as a fake, a stupid terrible flutist fake.
I know worrying about all this stuff is a huge waste of time. And although I berate myself for what I consider to be unnecessary worry and anxiety I need to remember that at least some of these fears are founded. It is okay for me to be concerned with getting into medical school. It truly does determine the course of my life for the next year or so. It is a huge deal. I haven’t decided if the concerns about what I will do if I don’t get into medical school are worth my time and energy. On one hand I know that I should try to be positive about my applications, but on the other I can see that my attitude at this point will have absolutely no effect on my applications. I also can see value in having a decision made as soon as possible. If I know now what I want to do, then my decision will not [hopefully] be emotionally swayed by rejections from medical school. By the middle to end of March I will also be limited on time for getting housing and other plans worked out if I intend to move somewhere else for the year. I will need to start that right away and having a firm decision will make that easier. Fear of not getting into medical school is only part of the problem though. I take these rejections personally. I have a decent MCAT score, outstanding grades, experience–which lead me to believe that the problem with my application is….me. And that is hard. A friend of mine told me recently that essays were the most personal part of college. To write a good essay requires passion and part of one’s self and to be graded harshly for it hurts more than doing badly on an exam. And I think that’s where some of my personalization comes from. Other than grades and test scores my applications are judged on my essays and my reasons for wanting to be a doctor. To be rejected makes me think that I’m not good enough. That they don’t believe I would make a good doctor. It’s the only thing I want to do and if they don’t believe I can, or simply don’t want me, what else will I do?
The other fears are less founded. Ever since coming to college I have had a fear that everything I do is simply contributing to my life of cards. Any day now it will all come tumbling down and everyone will see that all the As I have earned, all the ensemble positions I have won, all the tests I have aced, were pure luck. Who am I, a farm girl from southern [I], to come here and have a full academic scholarship and huge successes as a flutist? Why do I think I even have the right, much less the ability to attend medical school and live my dreams? Have I been fooling myself my whole life by thinking that I could rise above the education and opportunities I received growing up in [S]? (My therapist once mentioned impostor syndrome….I do appear to have it, no?)
Fear of fatness? That’s always there. Pretty self-explanatory. To me being fat would be yet another sign of my failures. And I do think I’m fat.
...to find art in chaos... 