I have a friend (not a close one) who is absolutely amazing. She spent last summer in Hollywood working as an intern for Entertainment Tonight. Two weeks ago she was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno….for the second time! And she was just offered an internship for next summer with the Colbert Report. Plus add in that she is a very good jazz musician and is completely gorgeous.
And here I am…I didn’t get into medical school last year (still waiting to hear about this year), I have been rejected from 16 (yes, actually 16) research assistantship jobs in the past 5 months. It’s not that I want to be on the Tonight Show, but I want to do amazing things in my own field….and I can’t even get a lame research assistantship in the state of Iowa.
At the hospital all the nurses have these cards behind their ID badges that read RN in really big letters. The doctors liked them so much that now they also have cards behind their IDs that read “DOCTOR.” (Personally I think it’s kind of biased that only the MD/DOs get them…what about the PharmDs, DDSs, PsyDs, PhDs, who all work in the hospital and are also “doctors,” but I digress). Some of the nursing assistants on my floor have a running joke that we should just get cards that say “worthless” to put behind our badges…because not having a card basically means that. It sounds awful, but it’s kind of true…doctors will ask me to do things, patients ask me to do things and I have to ask them if they realize that I have absolutely no power at all to do any of that stuff. I mean, I’m not even allowed to touch the IV pumps. I do what I’m told and am very cautious about doing anything extra that might not be allowed given my lack of credentials.
And there are some of my fellow MPH students who are also applying to med school this year that have already been accepted. Granted, they interviewed earlier than me, but my thought is still “what if I’m not accepted until March? What if I’m not accepted at all?” and I jump to the conclusion that because of that I will forever be inferior.
Basically, I feel worthless in all areas of my life. Really worthless. The “why the hell am I even allowed to walk on this earth” type of worthless.
And I am fat
Which logically doesn’t even connect to this subject, but my head still puts it all together.
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